Well, I am due at the hospital in just over two hours time. I have not slept well. I am tearful. I am frightened. I feel powerless and not in control.
But I will be at home tonight with all my children.
The girls are as disappointed as I am as there were lots of things they wanted to see, ask and do when their brother arrives. Simon and I have made plans. The girls are going to go to school this morning, my very lovely friend is on standby to bring them to us should anything be happening before the end of the school day, which to be honest I doubt. I labour quickly but it all depends how busy the delivery ward is. If there are lots of labouring women they are not going to start off another too soon. I waited three days to be induced with Francecsa, I will not be waiting that long again. I will leave.
On the plus side there will be two midwives from my community team on the delivery ward today so hopefully I can be delivered by someone who I know and who knows my children and my wishes. Francesca is going to count her brother's fingers and toes just as Elizabeth did when Nathaniel arrived. She will hold him close to her while I get washed and dressed. I am never going to have another baby again and this is my last chance to give Francesca the true picture of birth. She was small and very ill when Nathaniel arrived and missed alot. It is messy, it is unpleasant, it hurts but it is not to be scared of. She will learn this today and take it with her into adult life and when her babies are about to arrive she will have no fear.
Simon is prepared to stop anyone coming near me with any drugs (other than oxytocin) and hopefully we can stop some of the problems that followed my last induced labour. He will back me up and the girls are ready and know what is expected of them.
The only down side is that unlike at home I cannot walk into another room when I need to swear and the girls cannot leave the room if they no longer want to see. But I think we are all ready for what is going to be a long but amazing day.
Tonight I will be at home with my husband my two daughters and my two sons.
Everything will be ok.