Monday, 3 October 2011

Attack Of The Gloom

I got got by the gloominess over summer. The weather was bad, my sister suffered a terrible loss and for reasons of her own hasn't let me give her the support and love I wanted to. It brought back sad memories from my past. We're living mostly upstairs still and there being six of us made this an adventure for about three days before we all felt squashed and longed for some privacy. I feel a bit fat and a bit old and a bit useless. I feel like a bad mother and a bad wife.

My rational brain knows this is not true but it's how I feel.

My mood has improved some with the return to school for the children and work for me. The days in the week have some structure and I like the comfort of routine and knowing what's happening next.

Nathaniel is enjoying being a schol boy, he's learning lots everyday and loving being with his 'boy friends'!

Francesca has settled well into Y3 and has her favourite teacher again this year.

Elizabeth is adjusting slowly to the more intense pace of Y6 and we have been looking at secondary schools. When she brought the application pack out to me after school I thought I would sink to my knees in the play ground and howl at the sky. I was very restrained and simply burst into tears and hugged her (she was glad none of her chums were there to see).

Sebastian just gets bigger and bigger everyday, he jumps with two feet, he sings songs, makes jokes and is thoroughly entertaining from the moment he wakes in the morning until he goes to sleep at night.

It saddens me that they are growing and changing so much. every now and then it hits me how far they are from being babies. They are fierce independant individuals. They are their own people. They are my babies.

I am trying (as I did when Seb left the breast) to embrace the changes and look at this time as a new chapter in our relationship. A new adventure for us to share. A small part of me grieves though for my four tiny bundles. I feel powerless sometimes when they are hurt by their peers words or actions, when they struggle to achieve something they want to. Wrapping them tight in my arms and holding them to my body and loving every fibre of them is not always enough as it once was.

Anyway, enough random emotional ramblings for one day!!

I had a boost when a lady from the Alternative Women's Institute emailed and asked me to attend their vintage tea party again. I had a wonderful time last year and readlily agreed. That prompted a 'stock take' as making time has been on the small side since I started work. I was pleased with how many lovely things I have made and ready to go!

The party will be in the run up to Christmas so I have started to compliment existing stock with gifty type things. I have added some felt tree decorations to the Folksy shop and they will be coming with me along with some robins.

I have been knitting these lovely yummy hand/wrist warmers/fingerless mitts (whatever you want to call them). Each pair is slightly different and I love them all;

And for cold evenings I am knitting this mitre square blanket to keep me warm and snug;


Swirlyarts said...

Oh dear :( If you need anything then shout......

Making it vintage said...

The emotional roller coaster of life can sometimes be a sad and scary ride, my fourth and youngest child will be 16 in a couple of months, sometimes I feel a little redundent and yearn for a time when they were small, but life changes and we must learn to change with it...........things always get your mitts. x

jennyflower said...

Christ woman I am sitting here on the verge myself now. You ARE important, not chubby or old, and I disagree a tight hug and having your every fibre loved becomes more of a delicious reassurance as you age- not less. We can't do it all for them anymore and it's heart breaking, but gosh girl you have given them what they need to survive in each and every stage of this crazy life- you have taught them to love and be loved- it really is all you need! (now go forth and love yourself- you gorgeous goddess you!) ((oe er))

Claire said...

Yet again our lives are mirroring each other. Really, are you my long lost twin?

We've got the high school open days starting tomorrow, with applications having to be in by end of October. But you know, I think back to how I was at a similar age, and it was exciting, a bit nerve wracking, sad at times, but generally a good time. And having a Mum there when needed was a godsend. Just got to try to remember those days (they seem so long ago now!!)

Hope you are feeling less gloomy now.

Locket Pocket said...

I'm so sorry to hear you have been feeling gloomy but don't be so hard on yourself. You do a wonderful job and your family will always love and need you with all their hearts. Lucy xx

Sweet Mess said...

I am sorry to hear it has been such a rough few months.

I think every mother can relate to the heartache of babies no longer babies.... At least you can take comfort in growing such beautiful sweet souls.

Two Owls said...

So sorry things have been gloomy lately.
Can totally relate to what you say about your sadness about your babies growing and changing. I found it hard when Aidan was due to start school and had people telling me how positive a step it was for him that he was developing and moving on and that essentially I was wrong to feel sad. We know all that and are happy that they're progressing - but that doesn't make it easy for us to come to terms with! Embracing the changes can be so hard. A bit of howling at the sky every now and again should be perfectly acceptable!

Glad Francesca and Nathaniel are enjoying school and hope Elizabeth gets into her Y6 stride comfortably. My mum works with Y6 and it is definitely a more intense pace. May Sebastian long continue to be a bundle of fun too!

Love the wrist warmers xx

WendyCarole said...

So sorry to hear you have felt miserable. I am sending you a hug or two

Tip Top said...

Slightly off topic, but a bag o stuff is awaiting you (well, the boys really!) much the same as last time! If wanted - its yours!!

Marie said...

I could have written that post! Right down to my DD starting year 3 with a favourite teacher! LOL.

We've had some issues at school with my DD having to deal with a particular girl in her class who likes to bully people. Just the most horrible thing to have to deal with as a parent. You just want to wrap up your little person in cotton wool whilst simultaneously beating the culprit around the head with something heavy (like one of their parents! LOL). You try to give your kids all the tools they need for life and someone comes along and gives them trials they don't need. Grrr. Parenting... its a tough old gig! Most days I think it's worth it though ;)